Few friday funnies

[mx5ash]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 People in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts Disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
Persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'


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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You B*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to
Death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You B*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years I've lived next door to that B*stard and every time I asked to borrow a Spanner, he said he didn't have one!'

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'


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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady....'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the policeman. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' '

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

[Fergus]

Shouldn't all these be in the 'Funnies' section ?

[mx5ash]

Yes it should, so now it is!!!